All I Really Wanted: Volume 2
“You’re telling me things would be different this time. I wish your change of heart would change my mind. ”
The Wish
All I Really Wanted Was to Have Listened to Danny in the First Place
The Song
Nearly 30 years ago, Dean Dillon and Skip Ewing wrote ‘Would If I Could’ but the song was never picked up by an artist for studio recording at that time. Strangely enough, though a part of the same publishing house, this demo would be the only collaboration between these songwriting dynamos.
Apart from his own successful recording career, Ewing has had songs recorded by Keith Urban, Zac Brown Band, Kenny Rogers, Willie Nelson and numerous others with No. 1 hits that include Diamond Rio’s ‘I Believe’ and Kenny Chesney’s ‘You Had Me from Hello.’ Similarly, Dillon has had a storied history of writing for George Strait along with contributing cuts for Lee Ann Womack, Keith Whitley and Toby Keith to name a few. Though one of Dillon’s fan favorites is David Allan Coe’s 1981 hit ‘Tennessee Whiskey’ that has become a juggernaut in its own right.
In December of 2023, Lainey Wilson first recorded ‘Would If I Could’ for Apple Music’s Lost & Found project. Lost & Found spotlights Nashville songwriters by showcasing some of the best country tracks that haven’t been released and making them available for the first time. With the song finally in circulation, rising country star ERNEST chose to record the song as a duet with Wilson for his critically acclaimed third studio album Nashville,Tennessee.
While one of the many standouts from Nashville, Tennessee, the duet arrived at a time when Lainey was busily preparing for her own upcoming release which meant there was less opportunity for the duo to amply promote together. Realizing the weight of the song, ERNEST chose to record a solo version and shipped it to radio as a single in October 2024. A rightful choice that seemed fated in destiny.
Guided by the magic of Dillon and Ewing, ERNEST’s honey-coated vocals conjure the essence of standards released decades ago. An expert crooner he fills each line with longing, heartache and a tinge of conflicted regret. A showcase of his ample abilities and one of the most memorable vocal performances from a male country artist in 2024.
The Story
I was walking through the dunes the other weekend, haplessly wrangling the surf with my feet while listening to the private conversations of winter tourists. Discussions of holiday stress, grunted struggles with key cards into private patios, and strained phone calls disappearing into the waves all surrounded me like a warm blanket of distracting intrigue. Like the gulls gliding above, I was merely another floating observer of the happenings around me. Happily, at one with my little part of the world. All until I heard it, what sounded like your name.
You had long vacated even the worn corners of my mind. The curious longing of understanding had ceased as our familiar connections distanced themselves over the years. All of which allowed life’s constant reinvention to build and erase what came before it. Though the mere sounding of syllables and striking of consonants into the wind, brought me back to that time.
And memories of you along with it.
**********
You knocked so forcefully that it shook the apartment’s rusted door frame. You liked making your presence known but mostly you reveled in the fact that my roommates hated you. Well, Danny hated you. The rest knowingly vacated the premises when they caught a whiff of your half smoked Parliament. As I shut the door behind us, I didn’t have to turn around to know that Danny’s eyes were scolding me. He already knew what would happen because he had observed it every other night during the course of that semester. He repeatedly warned me like a lighthouse in the dense mist. Yet when you called, I carelessly jumped with a grin down into the depths with never a pause for concern, not even when I knew better. I was all in.
Of course it was about you. Your rough and ready charm. The effortless ease of social control. The way you casually made every decision, small or life altering, without a glimmer of self doubt. A luxury that only those that came from comfort could be afforded. Yes, I was drawn to you and your fledgling power with insatiable fascination. But it was about more than that, it was what you appeased within me.
I grew up with a relentless rumble in my stomach. A hunger that never ceased. A desperate yearning to be seen; seen and accepted. Yet no teacher ever saw my skill. No preacher witnessed my faith. No coach could harness my abilities. No crush believed in the potential. No family member gave love unyieldingly. But somehow after seasons of searching you saw it all, with a half-cocked grin, as you sat across from me on a wooden floor surrounded by drunken foolery.
That first night, we became fast friends and annoyingly inseparable thereafter. The kind that shared witching hour secrets. Those that told jokes that others could never grasp even after in-depth explanations. Wild in our ability to ignore reasonable limits but grounded by unflinching acceptance of one another. It was at times more powerful than any youthful daydream I could have conjured.
Leaving Danny’s sightline that night, I felt that familiar spark igniting once again as we ran towards our next adventure. Though this particular time we flew solo as our fellow patriots declined, attending to studies that we chose to ignore. Perhaps, somehow, you had always intended it to be that way. We laughed, smoked and caused a routine ruckus. Wrapped up in the dance of the night, I’m still unsure of the exact moment that it all changed. The second our connection evolved from familiar barstool laughter to a dim lit parking lot kiss.
I awoke the next day filled with unearthed emotion which was met by your cold ability to ignore the uncomfortable at all costs. I tried to follow suit but my heart convinced me otherwise. I had simply gained too much to lose it all now so I tried to play by your rules.
I didn’t know then that the same forbidden tango would persist weeks, months and years later. Never in the light of day, all in the hushed shadows. Promises would be made and subsequently broken. Heartfelt lines professed and consistently forgotten. Other friendships, relationships and everything in between would be dismantled and scrapped in the wake of the tornado that I open heartedly invited you to wrap around me.
Yet, just as it began, it ended without any prepared warning. One of your double meaning jokes cut a little too close and the courage of cheap beer and a ravaged heart caught the best of me. I was still young enough to proclaim my truth without embarrassment, though not quite old enough to fully understand the impact. The others immediately scoffed at my left field reveal while you sat there without a flit of emotion. Though your eyes finally told me all the truth I ever needed to know. This was not just our goodbye but the closing of an overdue chapter.
**********
Walking towards the warmth of my truck, I shake my head fondly at that boy that gripped so tightly to the hopes of a magical ending. But mostly, in the joy of the salt air, I give thanks for Danny’s friendship. He knew then what took me so long to realize. It had never, ever been a love story.
